This past year was one of the hardest of my life, and at the same time, it wasn’t. I look back and remember thinking the things that I thought about my life and my value and my self-worth, but I don’t understand why it hurt that much. However, that doesn’t change the fact that it did.
I remember wanting to die, and then I remember wanting to live. I remember spending days in bed crying, and then I remember thinking I was unstoppable. I remember feeling on top of the world, and then I remember feeling like I would never be worth it to anyone.
I remember a rollercoaster, but I made it through. I made it through because of a lot of external factors like therapy, medication, friendship, family, hugs, love and blessings…. And I came to a point where I refused to go back to the place I used to be in. So I started making sure I reminded myself of certain things every day.
These are three things I would say to someone who feels powerless to any situation in their life (I say them to myself regularly):
It’s not normal to feel this way.
When I first started to deal with my depression, a lot of people didn’t believe me and told me I was overreacting, and I was afraid to talk about it because of that. For a while I thought that I deserved to feel this poorly because of something I had done, and then I thought that most people probably felt the same way but knew how to handle it. I didn’t know how to deal with it. You’ve probably felt that way too.
It is normal to feel sad and hopeless sometimes, but not all of the time. When those feelings become debilitating, when they stop you from functioning on a day-to-day basis, you need to find a way to help yourself. Because normal people feel sad every now and again, but they don’t lose weeks of their lives using all of their energy just getting out of bed every day. Don’t be afraid to speak out.
It’s not normal to feel this way, and that means that you have to start thinking about yourself and treating yourself right. Whenever I wanted to die in the past year, I would think, “Well I can’t because I need to see my best friend, and I’ll be sad if I can’t see him.” Find something to hold onto. That’s why he’s my best friend. Because he’s the one thing I hold onto whenever I’m sad. But sadness is only a temporary emotion. All storms have their endings. We’re allowed to feel better things. We deserve to feel better things.
Your life is more than this.
At some point, you’ve probably thought, “Why is this my life? Why do these things happen to me? Why do I feel this way?” And it’s okay to feel those things, but you also have to realize that your life is more than this. Your life is more than what’s holding you back. It’s more than finding a soulmate and living happily ever after. It’s more than getting that job and living happily ever after. Because life is more than just living happily ever after.
Want to know how I know? Because happily ever after involves other things. When you meet that person or get that job or visit that place on your bucket list, what’s next? The truth is, we’re destined to be more than just a fairytale ending, but you have to come to that realization yourself. I always tell myself that I’m destined to do more than find my soulmate and fall in love. And you have to look forward to those other things because if you don’t, you’ll be stuck.
I can’t be sad if I know that.
I thought for the longest time that I was doomed to be sad forever because nothing in my life made me feel like I mattered. And I cried a lot and I wished I would die and I wished for things without looking at the greater piece of the puzzle. My depression only made me see the negative things in my life, and it made me forget that perspective mattered.
I’d known for the longest time that I felt things differently than others. I attach myself to people, I’m insanely loyal, I love hard, and I want to be loved even harder because I feel things much strongly than others. Unfortunately, I saw that as a curse because for the longest time, I didn’t want to feel anything. And if you feel that way too, you have to stop thinking that it’s your curse to only feel bad things. Because we feel bad things strongly, but we feel good things just as strong. So find good things to feel. Count up your blessings, write them down, do whatever it takes to realize you matter so that you can allow yourself to feel happy because if you take a moment to recognize the greatness in your life, you can’t be sad.
“I can’t be sad if I know that.” That’s my motto. My mom, my best friend and my big brother are my favorite people in the world. They love me and they choose to love me because I’m loveable. I can’t be sad if I know that.
This one is dedicated to everyone who reminds me that if I know the greatness in my life, I can’t be sad.