I’m sorry that it’s come to this again. I’m sorry that nothing’s changed in the past year and a half, but It’s taking too long to do things. It’s taking too much energy to get out of bed each morning, and to be honest, I’m lucky if I’m even able to. I stayed in my car in the freezing cold for two hours because it was either that or opening the door, and it seemed too difficult. It took twice as long to get home tonight just because I could barely manage driving 35 miles per hour in a 60-mph speed limit. I feel so lost in the motions of life that I can’t even go through them anymore.
It hurts to see the world. I see all the people living and happy, and I can’t tap into that. It hurts to see my friends undoubtedly worried about me when I just want to scream, “Leave me alone.” Because the reality is they deserve better, and I know that I’m not it. It hurts too much to see everyone around me have to deal with the mess of a person I’ve become. For some reason, they understand what this is all about, and I can’t. It feels like I’m just waiting to die. I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to do this anymore.
I don’t know what happened to have triggered all of this to happen in such a short time span. If I could go back, I’d go to December 17, 2014. I just finished my first semester of grad school. I felt on top of the world. I’d give anything to feel just an ounce of that happiness again. I miss the person I used to be. I miss the guy that turned grocery store aisles into runways. I miss the guy that jumped on tables to dance to Danity Kane’s “Showstopper.” I miss the boy that cried at One Direction concerts. And the sad part is, I didn’t love him when he was here because I didn’t think he was good enough. But I miss him so much, and I know he’s not coming back.
I never thought I’d become this person – the person that feels like none of this matters. But that’s how I feel, and I can’t seem to get that out of my head. There are people out there that have made these past two years so amazing despite all the setbacks, and every time I think I want to die, I hold on for them. Steve Cuff is the most kind-hearted, generous, loving, understanding and forgiving man in the world. I love him so much, and I wouldn’t have gotten this far without him. Amanda Gibilian is my best friend, and that’s all I can really say. She perfect in every sense of the word, and I know she’ll do great things. Erika Hanson, I’m so proud of the person I’ve gotten to see you become in the past three years of knowing you. Continue growing and shining because no one can stop you when you’re on your game. Mom, I love you.
And I know most people think I have so much to live for, and I wish I saw it that way too, but the reality is that I can’t keep putting others through this. It’s excruciating enough to do it to myself let alone see the affects it has on other people. I don’t think anyone should be sad, but if you are, remember this had nothing to do with you. I made this decision myself, and no one could have stopped me.
To everyone who remembers who I used to be, find him in yourself. It can be in music or dance or language or equality… but find something that reminds you of him, and hold on if he mattered to you. Because I lost him, and he’s never coming back. But if he truly left a mark on your life, wear that mark with honor because I would have done anything to be him for just one more day.
And someone tell Rihanna I’m pissed I never got to meet her.