My current state of depression.

I woke up this morning with an oh-so familiar feeling that, despite years of experience, I didn’t know how to deal with. And so I just decided to myself to hide it like it wasn’t happening.

I was supposed to go to the gym today with my friend, but the feelings were so overwhelming that I couldn’t force myself to get out of bed. So when I finally mustered up the energy to roll over and grab my phone, I text him to let him know I couldn’t go because I’m far too depressed to get out of bed this morning. But he wants to talk about it, and I don’t feel like it. It’ll eventually go away because this isn’t an unfamiliar phenomenon. I’ve had feelings like this my entire life.

So after a few hours, I have to work, and I get to ignore these depressing feelings.

But now it’s a Saturday night, and I just finished getting sushi with a friend, and all I want to do is hang out with someone. But everyone’s busy, and most of them are busy with their significant others. So I’m sad, and I’m reminded that I’m alone.

And I always feel alone. My best friends live in Chicago, and everyone in the area has their people and their significant others. I don’t fit in, and that’s fine. I’m not upset that they’re in relationships; in fact, I actually love their partners, but there are parts of me that get jealous. It’s not because I want to be with any of them, but when it’s Saturday night and my friends are either working, out on dates or exhausted from life, I want someone to just be around. I want someone to watch stupid movies with or someone to just talk to or someone to drive around with and listen to music with… I want something to remind me that I’m not alone, but now I’m sad. It’s still Saturday night. Only an hour has gone by.

And I don’t want to be sad, but I find myself listening to music that makes me sad because at least I can get all of that negative energy out of me for the next day to be better. So I listen to songs like Frank Ocean’s “Bad Religion” or Sam Smith’s “Not in That Way” or Tori Kelly’s “Dear No One” until the tears overwhelm me, and I have my moment to cry in my car. As I do that, I’m still looking for anyone to hang out with, and as I make it through the list of contacts ranging from “haven’t spoken to her in years” to “working” to “date night” to “out of town,” I realize I’m doomed to spend the rest of this night alone.

And I’m sick of feeling alone, but nothing seems to make this depression go away, and nothing seems to change and nobody seems to notice me.

But today, I’m happy. So I’ll focus on that for now.

This is dedicated to anyone who feels unwanted, uninspired or unloved. Don’t allow those feelings to overtake or define you. There is power in your message and your livelihood.

You are not alone.


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