Hey it’s me.
I’m writing because I’m not okay. I know I told you I was, but I lied because I didn’t want you to worry. I didn’t want you to forget about who I used to be before this all happened because I feel like you’ve stopped seeing me as the fun, lighthearted person I used to be.
But I’m not him anymore. He’s doesn’t exist. And I don’t know if he ever will again. And I feel bad because this hurts you too. I feel bad because you have to check in on me because I’m not okay. I never wanted to be this person, so instead I thought I’d lie to you in hopes that I could keep you from knowing the truth. But I can’t lie anymore. I’m not okay.
There’s this scene in Perks of Being a Wallflower when Charlie is saying goodbye to his friends as they leave for college, and he feels lonely. He starts having flashbacks while he emotionally breaks down, revealing repressed experiences that hurt him. He starts banging his head on the door, blaming himself for his own pain. He keeps saying, “It’s my fault. It’s my fault.”
He keeps telling himself to stop crying, but it only makes it worse. So he calls his sister. And he’s still blaming himself, and he’s still crying and wondering if he wanted all of this to happen while she’s trying to save him. And he can’t stop crying so he walks to the kitchen and spots a knife. Then he wakes up in the hospital.
And while my past may not be as traumatic as his, I can’t get him out of my head. Because it’s my fault that these things happen, and part of me still thinks that maybe I wanted this. Maybe I can stop crying if I tell myself to want it bad enough. Maybe I just don’t want it bad enough.
And this other part of me knows that this isn’t my fault, but I still can’t stop crying. I keep telling myself to knock it off, but I can’t. So I’m telling you now that I can’t lie anymore and tell you that I’m okay when I’m not. And I need you to be my sister and save me even though I don’t want you to because you shouldn’t have to.
So I want you to stop asking me if I’m okay because I’m not, but you shouldn’t have to deal with it. You deserve to be happy. You deserve better than me.
And that’s how I feel. I don’t think that Charlie wanted to die, and I don’t want to die either. But I don’t see anything anymore. I’m backed into this corner with no other options.
And I just want to be happy again, but I don’t think I will be.