A letter to the future love of my life.
Dear No One,
I was really sad yesterday. I thought I finally found you, but then I realized that it was yet again just some force masquerading as you. And it made me sad.
You see, I thought that all I needed to do was find you… that by some miracle, you’d be in my life, and everything would make sense… but it doesn’t. Every time I thought I was close to you, you were taken away, but I realized you were never really there in the first place; you were never really mine in the first place. I realized I might self-sabotage more than I like to admit, and I realized I might never actually find you.
I thought for the longest time that I didn’t know what being in love was like because I hadn’t found you yet. I was wrong because for the first time, today I realized not finding you is okay. You may exist or you may not, but that doesn’t mean I’m alone. And it definitely doesn’t mean that I won’t experience love because I know I already have.
I think that being in love is calling Steve Cuff crying because you just want to be happy again… so he makes it happen. I think being in love is not talking to Nicole Heyden for a few months but then picking up the phone like no time had passed at all. I think being in love is knowing that no matter how far away Amanda Gibilian is, no one could ever replace her presence in my life. I think being in love is knowing that despite her distaste for Aubrey, Nicole Lang will support my never ending love for her just like I do for her and Ciara. I think being in love is knowing that through anything, Anna Donatelle can always count on me like I can always count on her. I think being in love is when Jordan Gohre knows the difference between what would make me cry and what makes me happy (plot twist… there isn’t much of a difference). I think being in love is Becky Ceel still acting like geese are swans because she couldn’t let one little joke go, and six years later, I still laugh about it. I think being in love is knowing that Erika Hanson can’t always answer the phone, but it doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to. I think that being in love is thinking that in 30 years, I can’t imagine my life without those people. But more than just thinking those things, I know them.
I stopped believing in soul mates last year because I always thought that you were my soul mate. You’d taken too long to get here, and I thought that if you really knew me, you’d know I needed you. I couldn’t foresee a future past 2015, and I didn’t really want to. But I was wrong. You weren’t here because I needed to see that so many other people were. I stopped believing in soul mates because you weren’t here, but through feeling powerless to my life, to depression and to you, I found that soul mates are simply life partners, and I have tons.
I have at least 10 soul mates in this world, not to mention tons of people who I care about and who care about me, and though I was really sad today, I can’t be sad if I know that.
So if you ever do manage to make your way here, great. But if you don’t exist, and I’m literally writing to no one, that’s okay too. Because either way, I’ll be okay. I have them.
One day, I hope you get the chance to know them like I do.