I had an unforgettable month. The first of the month was terrible, but you know that. It was your fault. And I needed Steve to save me, and he did. I don’t think you’d like him because he makes you go away, but I like him.
Then the next day, I saw Tori Kelly, and she sang my songs. You know the songs you didn’t like because they make me happy and make me feel whole again. I saved one of them on my laptop; it makes me happy. Then I saw Wild Moth. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t my cup of tea, but it made Steve happy so I was happy.
And then I met dumblonde. And I’m sure you, like the rest of the world, don’t know who they are, but they are the surviving two members of Danity Kane, my favorite girl group of all-time. Still not ringing a bell? That’s fine. I don’t need you to know who they are to know that meeting them was the greatest day of my life.
When I met them, I told them about you, and about how central you’ve been to my life. And I didn’t want to cry so I made a joke so Aubrey would laugh, and she laughed and it was beautiful. But I think they knew I was faking because they stopped everything to tell me I was worth it and that they loved me. And in that moment I realized you weren’t there, and it was beautiful and I didn’t miss you.
And you weren’t there for an entire week. For seven, actually I think eight, straight days, I didn’t cry or feel sad or want to kill myself. But then you came back. And I was crying in the middle of a restaurant trying to be happy, but I couldn’t. And it hurt and it was sad and nothing felt right and Steve had to save me again. But I didn’t want him to so I didn’t let him.
And then I saw JoJo perform, and I had fun. She performed that song that makes me cry; that song that I sing to you in the car. And she cried and I cried. And she performed a new song. You’d hate it because she wrote it about her depression. And I cried again because she sang, “I am worthy of love.” I wanted to have that moment forever.
I met with my therapist later that week and she told me she didn’t want to see me for three weeks because she was proud of me and I was proud of me and I got drunk and I wasn’t sad the next day and you weren’t there again and I was happy.
But now I’m not, and I don’t know what to do. And when I was driving in my car, I couldn’t stop thinking about how I don’t matter and how my life is worthless and how I benefit no one. And then I asked myself who would sincerely miss me if I died, and I couldn’t think of anyone.
And then Erika saved me and she reminded me that there is a list a people that love me so why did you keep me from seeing that list? And why do you always keep me from seeing anything at all? Why are you doing this?
I’m sick of my life being a game to you because I used to like my life, and now I don’t. I used to love waking up to sing and dance and work out, but now I’d rather just lay in bed and do nothing. But then I can’t stop thinking about how alone I am and how sad I feel because I can’t be happy without the help of someone else.
What’s happening to me and why do I feel this way and why can’t I just win again? I want to remember all of those moments, all of the fun I had and all of the times someone made me feel good about myself, but I can’t remember them anymore. I feel like I don’t belong here anymore.
And I don’t know why I’m sad, and I wish I could just manage to be happy on my own. But instead, you make me rely on people that I’m sure are sick of dealing with my inconsistent mood. And I don’t want them to hate me because I need and want to see them everyday, but I don’t know how to be happy without them.
But I’m sure you like that most about me. You love that I am not enough for myself; you thrive off it. I wish I didn’t need everyone around me to make me feel good again. I wish you would just go away. I just want to win again.
But I guess this is my life. I’m happy, and I’m sad. And I wish I knew how that was even possible.
This is dedicated to anyone who feels like they’re fighting a losing battle. You will win again.